David's Story
I was raised by a single mother in the inner city of Los Angeles. My mother was adopted and experienced a ton of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at a very young age. I was the product of rape so I never met my biological father and know nothing of my heritage. We were very poor and moved around a lot. Mom and I lived with friends, in hotels and in trailers. When I was eight my mom left my step-father, who was amazing to me, and we moved to Long Beach with her new boyfriend. During this time in my life, I got into a lot of trouble at school… fights with other boys, ditching classes, and acting out.
My mother, not knowing how to handle me, sent me to live with her friend, a gentleman who would volunteer at the local park and help fix kids’ bikes. He was very like-able, but here was my first sexual experience. I was molested by this so-called “friend,” and he used my nine-year-old body to bring himself to orgasm. I knew it was wrong. I felt confused and uncertain. This abuse occurred on multiple occasions during time I lived with him. After the summer was over, I moved back in with my mom and I never mentioned the incidents to anyone, until recently. I felt completely alone and somehow responsible. I believed I must keep this terrible secret to myself.
Later that year my mom saw this man’s face in the newspaper for the conviction of molesting several other boys. She was furious and demanded to know if he had ever touched me. Being filled with shame and guilt, I lied to her and said no. From that moment on masturbation became a habit. At first I did it for pleasure, but as I grew older, the practice became my way of coping my hard life. I was first introduced to porn when I found magazines in my mom’s boyfriend’s room. I was intrigued by the images and became obsessed with finding more images. My friends also had a stashes of porn, and I discovered catalogs showing women in bikini’s did the job.
When I was about fourteen, the Internet became a thing, and I found an unlimited supply of suggestive images. But, every time I downloaded porn, my family’s computer got a computer virus. That didn’t stop me. I downloaded bad pics and videos and masturbated to them every chance I got.
When I was sixteen, I started having sex with girls, and continued with my constant porn viewing habit. By this time, I was in and out of jail and boys’ homes because of all the trouble I got into. I began smoking marijuana at a very young age because it was fun but, like pornography, marijuana became a my way to deal with life. By the time I was twenty I was using ecstasy and when I turned twenty-two, I was a full-blown meth addict. I was homeless and watching porn for hours in abandoned apartments. I was on a downward spiral with porn, meth, and alcohol. I was committing slow suicide. Because of my traumatic upbringing and constant substance abuse, I dealt with nagging thoughts of suicide. I was depressed, afraid, ashamed. I was a loser and without hope.
I didn’t grow up religious but I remember very clearly the season I met Christ. I was high on drugs and, for some unknown reason, started reading the Bible. It became very clear to me that God was real. After many interactions with other people and situations leading me closer to Christ, I knew that God had a bigger and better plan for my life. For the first time I felt conviction for the things I was doing, including watching porn. One day, while smoking meth and masturbating to porn, I heard God tell me to move to Portland, Oregon, and get into rehab. I didn’t hesitate to make that transition. I went to rehab in Portland and after two years I was able to overcome drugs, alcohol, porn, and even cigarettes, or so I thought. I didn’t have internet access in there, so porn was not available.
When I got out of rehab all was good until I got a cell phone. It started with casual searching on the web. When I saw girls in bikinis, my heart raced. I knew God called me to stay pure, but it didn’t take long before I was back to watching porn again. I knew it was wrong but I never tried to quit. At this point I was involved in a local Church and on the teaching team. It became evident I had a problem when I tried to quit, but couldn’t. I would watch porn and say, “this is the last time,” then I would be right back at it. Imagine the guilt I felt when I would view porn the night before preaching a message on self–control. I proclaimed that Jesus could set us free, but I was not free. I was a total hypocrite. Again, I felt alone, depressed and ashamed. So, what would I do? I would watch more porn to deal with my shame and guilt and the cycle continued to repeat itself. I was too ashamed to come clean with anyone, especially since I was preaching in the pulpit on a regular basis.
I finally got the courage to talk with my lead pastor, which helped for a while. I would stop for a bit, but always returned to porn like “a dog… to it’s vomit” (2nd Peter 2.22). After a couple of years, I realized that I had a serious problem. I confessed to church groups and even paid a sex therapist $125 an hour to help, but nothing worked. I knew, in theory, that God had set me free, but I adopted the belief that I would be forever addicted to this sin.
When I met my girlfriend, who is my now wife, I confessed to her what I was dealing with and she encouraged me to reach out to 423 Communities. I joined 423 Men a year ago and for the first time in my life I am making strides that I never thought were possible. Every week I meet with a group of men who fight the same fight I do. These are men have experienced real success, men who honor God and His word, and men who are willing to go past shallow conversations and hold themselves, me, and others accountable. My 423 brothers offer me encouragement and tools to help me get sober. Every day is a fight.
Before, there was no light at the end of my dark tunnel. But now, thanks to Christ, 423 Communities, and, of course, my beautiful wife who fought faithfully by my side, I am, for the first time in three decades… standing in the light!
Would you like to join a group of men, women, or young people fighting against pornography and the spirit of porneia?