Nothing Will Ever Be Enough
Part of recovering from sexual addiction (well, addiction of any kind) involves confronting the consequences of our behavior. It is certainly one of the hardest steps, but it is even more certainly one of the most important. As long as we live in denial of our actions and the impact they have on everyone around us, we can never be completely free.
This step in the recovery process, while necessary, is also very dangerous, because it is easy to become stuck here, lodged in the quicksand of guilt and shame. I know when my own heart was torn open and I finally saw the depths of the damage my addiction had wrought, I was in a much worse state then than I had ever been before.
In the moment when my denial was cracked open and I saw my addiction for what it really was, I did not want to face it. I wanted to turn back, to run away, to find some place I could hide from myself.
But I didn’t.
There were exactly six reasons I did not run. I can tell you their exact number, because they sat beside me every Wednesday for nine months. They were there on the front line with me, swords drawn, shields up. We all had our own demons, but we did not have to face them alone. God’s strength came to me in the unity of His wounded people, desperately banding together with disheveled armor and broken weapons in our darkest hour, nursing a stubborn hope that we just might survive until daybreak.
In that fight, we all had to confront ourselves: what we had done, what had been done to us, who we had become. Looking at everything I had done, everything that had contorted me from the image of God I had been born into, I asked myself every week how I could possibly be redeemed. I saw the debt I owed, the negative balance in my account, and I knew I could never pay it back.
But those six people reminded me every week just how far Jesus had gone. They helped to teach my heart what my head already knew: nothing I had done would ever overshadow the grace and goodness God had given me.
Nothing will ever be enough.
I might as well have been there two thousand years ago when the only Man who could save the world was falsely accused, tortured, and killed. I could have been the one to drag Him before Pilot. I could have sentenced Him to death. I could have hammered every nail into His flesh myself and thrust the spear into His side. Not even then would He turn away from me.
I stand with my brothers and sisters in arms because He died the death we should have died. I pray you find God’s arms outstretched to you in the people around you. It is in this unity that we find His grace and healing, and a place we can call home.
Contributor: Jordan N.